The skinny on facebook and fasting DAY 6 :)

So, I have decided that a 40 day fast from facebook is going to be pretty rough. I mean, in my house.... Facebook is like furniture. An old piece of furniture. You know the kind.. you don't really need it, and it doesn't do you any good, but you keep it around anyway. Even if you aren't going to use it. Even if it just takes up space. Then you get kind of attached to it... then you actually begin to use it... often. You use it so often, it now becomes something you keep for "sentimental" reasons. Yah, that's me. Only I have done passed the "sentimental" stage and went into the "addict" stage. I was totally addicted to facebook. It's pretty sad, that an almost *gasp* 30 year old woman could be that addicted to something so ... ridiculous.

What I also realized is how often I post about things that have no meaning or significance. The first day off facebook, all I wanted to do was to go on facebook and talk about how hard it was not being on facebook. I KNOW RIGHT??? So, now going on 6 days off facebook... I have learned an important lesson. My life is not near as interesting as facebook makes me feel it is.

Also, since being off it I have read "The Hunger Games" In one sitting mind you, and I stayed up until 3:30 am. I started writing a children's book which I am very excited about. Everyone in my family got some sort of flu stomach thing and we had a few interesting days that were very colorful. My second semester of school started up, and I am now on chapter 6 of Job. Which has been a tough read... Job makes me question God on a whole other level, and I'm not sure what to do with that yet. Not because of Job himself, but because I can't seem to figure out why God allowed such calamity to befall someone who was devoted to him. That would seem almost "evil" of God. Which I know isn't true. So.... I'm intrigued to read the rest of Job.

Approaching the 6th day, it has gotten easier, but I do still miss reading all the updates. Knowing what my friends are up to. Knowing what is going on, who to pray for, who to celebrate with. When my entire family got sick and I wanted so badly to get on FB and ask everyone to be praying for us. I almost broke my fast for it. But I didn't.

My heater got fixed! Joy ! And it works awesome! Also, the guy who fixed it is a handy man and he does good work, so he might be doing the labor for the upstairs bathroom and flooring. GOOD STUFF!

I have had lots of break downs lately. Hopefully blogging will help. So... until next time.

A heart unsettled....A heart rid of complacency

Chasing after God. Pursuing the heart of God. Desiring to be like God. Passionate.... crazy.....amazing. Hungry...thirsty....craving. A heart unsettled.

I few days ago, I made a decision. A decision to live my life sold out for Christ. As a Christian, I have been following him, and working towards an intimate relationship with him. But being SOLD OUT for Christ, and being a good little Christian are two radically different things. My heart has been unsettled ever since. I can't drink in enough of him. Fighting between tiredness and spending time with my Jesus. Fighting between lifes demands and Jesus. I finally understand the difference between Mary and Martha. I have been a Martha Christian for a long time. But today, I want and long to have Mary's heart.

I want nothing but Jesus.

Today my heart dances for him here.

It is a place I have tasted.

It is a place I have visited,

but not a place I have stayed.

So here I am.. I want to live in this place. Build my house here. Raise my kids here. This place of such utter unsettled desperation for Christ, that my only fear is that it will go away and I will become complacent again.

I NEVER Want to be complacent again! NEVER!

Imagine if we began to live our lives with the kind of fire that resonates in God himself. What happens if we begin to walk in those passionate footsteps everyday?? Gods hand, his HOLY PRESENCE itself, resides in each one of us. Yet we allow ourself to become apathetic. To Doubt. To hate. To be bitter. To be unforgiving.

What happened if you stopped what you were doing, got on your knees and begged God for his passionate spirit, his passionate heart, his desires, his love, and you meant it? How many times have you prayed and not meant it? How many times have you asked for him to change you and not meant it?

What would happen if you meant it? What would happen if you could wake up everyday, and your heart was on fire for him? If all your worries didnt matter anymore.... if what you wanted, and couldnt afford, didnt matter anymore? If the car that always acts up, didnt matter anymore? If the job you hated didnt stress you out anymore?

HE WANTS TO GIVE YOU THAT KIND OF PASSION! NO MORE SHALL HIS PEOPLE LIVE IN FEAR AND ANGUISH AND WORRY! Embrace him... truly. Beg for him. Make it all about him, and you wont have to worry about how you are going to get through the next devotional. you wont have to worry about how you are going to sit through another sermon, another prayer meeting, another... anything.

He will CHANGE YOUR LIFE!

He will ROCK YOUR WORLD!

He will START AN UNQUENCHABLE FIRE IN YOUR HEART!

Do not be afraid.

But the Lord of Hosts, HIM you shall HONOR as HOLY. Let HIM be your fear, let HIM be your dread. Isaiah 8:13

My daughter gave her life to Jesus today!~

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ Sophia and I have been having several long talks about God lately. Tonight after a long talk with her about Jesus/Holy Spirit/God.... my precious little girl made a decision to GIVE HER LIFE TO CHRIST!!!!! We prayed, she prayed, and now she wants to be baptized. My heart utterly WEEPS in JOY tonight!! I have been praying for my baby girl to understand, and to comprehend. THANK YOU FATHER GOD, MY LOVE AND MY LIFE!!!! My eyes have seen the goodness of the Lord!! PRAISE BE TO GOD ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Approaching 30!! AAAAGGGGghhh! Where are the brakes!?

So, yesterday we celebrated Sophia's 9th birthday. I swear she is going to be 13 any day now. With her turning a year older, there are some cold hard facts I have to face.

Ellie bit me yesterday, and I felt a tooth. To my shock, dismay and horror.... her first bottom tooth is coming in, and close behind it... the second bottom tooth. Why is this so bad? Because with teeth come emotional distress!!! She is no longer justifiably, a little baby. She is transitioning into a toddler. I have had a baby for 3 1/2 years now. Zoey... then just as Zoey turned toddler, I found out I was pregnant, and now... that baby is turning toddler. :.( Despite speculation, I have no plans on having another.

This means, A) I'm very close to having 4 older children on my hands. B) 1 out of 4 children hate their parents or have psychological issues. C) I'm 3 1/2 months away from my BIG 30! wahhhhh!!!

I DO NOT WANT TO TURN 30!! I REFUSE!! Not going to happen!

Eliana is a few short months away from her big ONE YEAR OLD birthday. Then Zoey will be THREE. Then Natalie will be 7, and then I have a break until next year... when my oldest will officially be a preteen. I really could dissolve into a hot mess right now, and cry... the big wet cry... with the boogers and the snot and all that, however I am choosing to hold it together until i get my psychology degree and can counsel myself. Good reasoning right?

It is amazing how slow I felt my life had been up to this point, and now... it is speeding by me... and I can't slow it down... I felt that 7 years to get my masters was such a long time, but at the rate Im going... Not so much. Anyway... just wanted to let the world know, my kids are growing very fast and I hate it, and Im going to be 30 and I hate that too.

That is all.

ps. GOD IS GOOD!

A day in the life.

Yesterday*I woke up a hot mess. My hubby and full-time best friend had to return to work which meant that I was going back to the normal business of life. I say normal, because when I get back to school, it's going to be abnormal business. Right now I have managed to juggle a crawler, a toddler, and 2 home schoolers and keeping the house clean. (stifled laughter.)

Stifled laughter because the house is clean, but that is such a general term right now.. with a bathroom, that is not quite finished, a hallway that needs drywall and paint, a bedroom that needs the carpet removed, drywall or ?, paint, etc..., wooden flooring that needs to be sanded and stained, etc... etc... etc.... and that's not even touching the upstairs, I have a new definition for the words "clean house" and its very closely related to "still migraine inducing dirty."

Don't worry this is all going somewhere, I promise. Right... so back to yesterday... as I battled the house and cleaning, Angel calls and tells me he is on his way home. Yae! Relief from running around like a chicken with my head cut off all day. Nope... not so much. Angel comes home and is sick, so besides eating, he immediately passes out on the couch for the rest of tonight. Great for him. Not for me.

Eliana decides to fuss for the rest of the night, Zoey chooses to get into anything and everything and make a mess, as usual... including peeing on the floor in the bathroom, on my just laid, fresh washed carpet. *sigh* back into the laundry it goes. Natalie is especially emotional, and Sophia, well, my laid back princess, is just being her normal awesome self.

"Sophia can you make Ellie a bottle, and change her diaper while I clean up the pee in the bathroom?" "Sure mom" .... best kid ever. I clean the pee, and then take the dog out, because her barks and whines have reached ear piercing level. Its freezing outside, and its dark, so I don't want to go outside, instead, i stand behind the glass door, and look outside irritatingly while I wish I had a fence, and wonder if the dog will ever come back.

The dog comes back, I put her in her crate for the night, Ellie is still fussing and Zoey is thrusting her bottle in my face "boggle? boggle? boggle?" She insists. "yes! " I tell her exasperatedly 5 times. I wish for the 100th time that hubby is feeling better. And feel sad that we wont have our normal cuddle and movie time tonight after the girls go to bed. It sort of makes me feel like a single mom.

After the older two are in bed, I put the younger two down. Ellie into the playpen, And zoey into her bed which lasts all of two seconds. I lay down, but as usual, my mind is going 100 mph. So I know I'm not going to be able to go to sleep for a while. I close my eyes anyway and force myself to stop thinking. Then I feel little knees crawling across my leg, and a little giggle emerges from the dark.

"Hi Zoey baby, come lay down with mommy." She snuggles in next to me and kisses my face. What was I worried about again? We are warm and cozy, and I assume that is that, but then Ellie starts crying for no reason... so i get up, and give her a bottle she doesn't want, which she forcefully pushes away, I give her a binky which she sucks on with great fervor, and then I put on some Trans-Siberian orchestra... her favorite. She is quiet so I rub her head, tuck her in and climb back into bed with my giggling toddler.

I am almost under the covers when Ellie starts in again....and again and again. it's going to be a long night. After 2 hours of up and down with Ellie, in between Zoey's kisses and kicks, I finally decide it's not worth it to be cozy in bed.. so I head off to the couch. Zoey follows me of course, so I put on some veggie tales for her, and we both get cozy on the couch. Its after 1 am. With the house finally quiet (minus the low sound of Veggie-tales... veggie-tales... veggie-tales..... and the low melodic playing of Trans-Siberian orchestra..) I finally give up, turn over and go to sleep.

As I'm falling asleep, I think about how Zoey and Ellie are going to sleep in because they went to bed late, which means I can sleep in, and when I get up, I'm going to be able to get a ton accomplished! Yes! Tomorrow is going to be a good day!

Note to reader.... Tomorrow started at 4:30 am when Angel got up and told me that he felt 100% better! Which I praise God for. So in between homeschooling, and chasing babies, I decided to write this blog. And now tomorrow is yesterday, and I have something else I want to write about... which I will most likely post later today. Or Tomorrow. Ha!

Ps. Its my sweet baby's birthday today. Happy 9th birthday my Sophie angel. I love you so much.

Pps: I found my journal entries from Haiti, and read them aloud to Angel a few days ago... they brought tears to my eyes, and I realize I haven't written on Haiti yet, so I will need to do a blog post in the next few days about that.

*(yesterday is now two days ago.)

End of a not-rocking year!

I am a dreamer... I dream so much, I leave trails of it everywhere for people to see. Which is either charming or disgraceful. I'm not so sure about which. I love to talk, people or a computer... doesn't matter which. I think I'm finding the computer to be more fun to talk to, as it doesn't talk back.

Anyway, onto this year and why it was so not rocking. I realized I will never be a rock star, at least not in public. :) All my dreams and ideas have changed. This is a beautiful thing. It is incredible when you let God come in and change your dreams!

What path am I chasing now? I surprise myself to say, I have it narrowed down to a select beautiful few. I love to do everything, but I realized I can only do so much before the important things start to suffer. I started school this year... which is really ironic considering in high school, I swore to everyone who would listen that I would never go back to school. Once I graduated, I had no plans to do anything else but sing, write and act. Sadly, I realized I am not career good enough at any of those things, and therefore can not put food on the table based on just my good looks.

What did that mean for me? It meant I had to grow up, look at what I truly love, what I am truly passionate about and what I felt God wanted for my life. It also meant I had to learn the difference between godly wisdom and godly opinion. Something I feel that I have pretty well figured out now! :D I had to do this thing called .. maturing.. (GAG) this year.. and a lot of it! And I hated it! I love to have fun, and do fun things, I really love to laugh... especially at other people (J/k) I actually have a good time just laughing at myself. Really...

It also meant trading in my dreams, and hopes and asking God to really show me what I should be pursuing. Which isn't as complicated as I have often made it. I'm a good mom. I'm a better mom that most of the women who have come in and out of my life and asked me to call them mom. I am passionate about God, my husband, my kids, and other peoples kids! That's right.

I love the younger generations. I love their zest and excitedness for life, love and God. I love their strength. Younger generations go through a lot more than we ever had to face. In public schools... different types of drugs, alcoholism, rampant sexual activity, and elevated levels of peer pressure, which include guns at a higher level than ever before, stabbings, etc... all these things coupled with a declining educational system ( based on my experience and a nifty little documentary called "waiting for superman" ) They are having to know and do more with less knowledge.

Our teens are stronger and facing more than we could ever fathom, and who is there to guide them? With leaders in place who are allowing abortion, same sex marriage, and etc... it's safe to say we don't have the adequate resources to guide them to the healing and the help they so often need. This is where my heart it, this is why I felt God was leading me to pursue my degree in psychology. I could of chosen anything really, and with my heart focused on God, I feel that i could make a difference.

However, given my extreme past, which includes sexual, physical, and mental abuse resulting from parents, foster parents, foster siblings, and peers alike; Loss including my father, my grandfather and several friends to disease, illness and suicide, I feel that I am someone who can meet them at their level. I know that God does not waste our pain.

I know that as a tool, I will only be effective in the hands of the right carpenter, and Christ is the best option! So everything I do now, is make myself the best possible tool for him to use. So that when I die, and go to be with him I can say "I used everything you gave me."

A living testimony of the parable of the men who were given "talents" and each chose to use them the best way they saw fit to benefit their master. This is the path I feel God has led me to, and this is how I choose to honor the one who gave me life.

It is freeing that I went from being a free range, do whatever makes me feel fulfilled individual to an individual who has focus and direction. So... to the end of my not Rocking year... bring it on NEW YEAR!

I am excited to know that I am good at being a wife! I am good at being a mom! And I am going to be a well sharpened tool of Christ to help bring youth mental healing and direction! My dreams , my goals, are to allow what God has poured into me to pour out onto others. I will use my pain, heart aches, and etc.. to pour into others.

My only regrets are that I didn't figure it out sooner. So here's to an awesome New Year which is going to rock for so many different reasons! Now to go take down my Christmas decorations! ( Got to stop living in the past... :P ha ha ha ha)