Anyway, onto this year and why it was so not rocking. I realized I will never be a rock star, at least not in public. :) All my dreams and ideas have changed. This is a beautiful thing. It is incredible when you let God come in and change your dreams!
What path am I chasing now? I surprise myself to say, I have it narrowed down to a select beautiful few. I love to do everything, but I realized I can only do so much before the important things start to suffer. I started school this year... which is really ironic considering in high school, I swore to everyone who would listen that I would never go back to school. Once I graduated, I had no plans to do anything else but sing, write and act. Sadly, I realized I am not career good enough at any of those things, and therefore can not put food on the table based on just my good looks.
What did that mean for me? It meant I had to grow up, look at what I truly love, what I am truly passionate about and what I felt God wanted for my life. It also meant I had to learn the difference between godly wisdom and godly opinion. Something I feel that I have pretty well figured out now! :D I had to do this thing called .. maturing.. (GAG) this year.. and a lot of it! And I hated it! I love to have fun, and do fun things, I really love to laugh... especially at other people (J/k) I actually have a good time just laughing at myself. Really...
It also meant trading in my dreams, and hopes and asking God to really show me what I should be pursuing. Which isn't as complicated as I have often made it. I'm a good mom. I'm a better mom that most of the women who have come in and out of my life and asked me to call them mom. I am passionate about God, my husband, my kids, and other peoples kids! That's right.
I love the younger generations. I love their zest and excitedness for life, love and God. I love their strength. Younger generations go through a lot more than we ever had to face. In public schools... different types of drugs, alcoholism, rampant sexual activity, and elevated levels of peer pressure, which include guns at a higher level than ever before, stabbings, etc... all these things coupled with a declining educational system ( based on my experience and a nifty little documentary called "waiting for superman" ) They are having to know and do more with less knowledge.
Our teens are stronger and facing more than we could ever fathom, and who is there to guide them? With leaders in place who are allowing abortion, same sex marriage, and etc... it's safe to say we don't have the adequate resources to guide them to the healing and the help they so often need. This is where my heart it, this is why I felt God was leading me to pursue my degree in psychology. I could of chosen anything really, and with my heart focused on God, I feel that i could make a difference.
However, given my extreme past, which includes sexual, physical, and mental abuse resulting from parents, foster parents, foster siblings, and peers alike; Loss including my father, my grandfather and several friends to disease, illness and suicide, I feel that I am someone who can meet them at their level. I know that God does not waste our pain.
I know that as a tool, I will only be effective in the hands of the right carpenter, and Christ is the best option! So everything I do now, is make myself the best possible tool for him to use. So that when I die, and go to be with him I can say "I used everything you gave me."
A living testimony of the parable of the men who were given "talents" and each chose to use them the best way they saw fit to benefit their master. This is the path I feel God has led me to, and this is how I choose to honor the one who gave me life.
It is freeing that I went from being a free range, do whatever makes me feel fulfilled individual to an individual who has focus and direction. So... to the end of my not Rocking year... bring it on NEW YEAR!
I am excited to know that I am good at being a wife! I am good at being a mom! And I am going to be a well sharpened tool of Christ to help bring youth mental healing and direction! My dreams , my goals, are to allow what God has poured into me to pour out onto others. I will use my pain, heart aches, and etc.. to pour into others.
My only regrets are that I didn't figure it out sooner. So here's to an awesome New Year which is going to rock for so many different reasons! Now to go take down my Christmas decorations! ( Got to stop living in the past... :P ha ha ha ha)
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