Masquerade

You are a hypocrite and a liar. Your days are spent dancing around in life, wearing whatever mask fits for the occasion. To your Christian friends, your a bible reading, in depth praying, Christ following, believer. To your unchristian friends you are whatever they want you to be. Maybe you have a foul mouth or you drink, or smoke too much. Maybe you like dirty movies and things with lots of violence and gore.

When no one is looking you maybe sneak a little look at porn, after all ... its not that bad, and everyone does. Your bible lies unused gathering dust, and dirt, and possibly bugs. You have a million reasons not to read it, and they are all good ones, and the only real prayer you do is the ones before meals, in public where everyone can see, and possibly the "now I lay me down to sleep..." one that you fall asleep saying at night after you have tucked your kids into bed. Secretly you long to abandon your life, or you dream up another one, one where you are rich, have a nice house, and nice cars and where God has no say so over what you do and how you live.

But the reality you face day after day, as you switch from mask to mask, doing whatever dance comes next is that you are loaded with guilt, fear, sadness and possibly anger. You get angry at God because he doesn't change your situation, but really this is all you and the choices you have made. You get angry at God when he does change your situation, because he didn't do things exactly the way you planned them.

On the inside you know something is very, very, very wrong, but you can't place your finger on it. Maybe it's your past coming to haunt you, maybe its your dissatisfaction with your marriage, your house, your life, or maybe its something deeper. But we don't want to go there.... we don't want to go deeper. We don't want to actually take one little finger and point it at our self and admit for once " I am what is wrong with my life and myself."

"I am everyday becoming the person I hate in everyone else, everyday slipping farther and farther from the reality that God is, and was and always will be and his love which encompasses everything is not enough. I reject that love because I don't understand it, or him or his stupid laws which were really put in place to protect me."

"I whine about the lack of good I see in the world, all the while realizing that I have something to do with the lack of it, and everything that is wrong with me is someone else's fault. Surely not mine. Surely it has to do with the abuse I suffered as a child, the father who was never home, the lack of money i have now, or the husband/wife who doesn't pay enough attention to me. Surely... surely.... there is someone who can take the blame for all of this bad instead of me?"




Perhaps you do the things you do because you want to.




Genesis 6:5
The LORD saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every intention of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.




Perhaps you blame everyone who hurt you in your life because you dont want to take accountability that even though those things happened, God could allow that pain to do some very wonderful things in this world. A world that is full of pain and sadness and needs to see that we are all broken, we are all trying to find our way to wholeness.




Psalm 34:18
The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.




Perhaps you are content with your broken state, and making the right decisions means acknowledging that there is a right decision that can be made. Even if you are the victim of an evil thing that was done.




Jeremiah 3:13
Only acknowledge your guilt, that you rebelled against the LORD your God and scattered your favors among foreigners under every green tree, and that you have not obeyed my voice, declares the LORD.




So we live like this day after day, given over to our desire, our own lack of action to do what is right and good, and we cater to our desires and wounds. Making excuses for everything we do, whether there is an excuse to be made or not. We strike God from our life, our living, and our homes and even our churches so that we can do what makes us feel right, and better about ourselves. The only thing wrong with that, is that he is the only one that can make everything right, and if we keep pushing him out, and ignoring him....




Romans 1:28
And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a debased mind to do what ought not to be done.




He will let us do whatever we want, and there will be no healing for brokenness, no relief for guilt, and no clarity for trouble. We will live in a constant spin cycle of lies, anguish and guilt. Only in acknowledging our shortcomings, and the choices we have made, and handing that over to God can there be freedom from this cycle.




Romans 8:21
that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God.




I know that God does not want us to live in sadness, every day feeling like we have failed worst than the one before. That would be the enemy...




John 10:10
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.




They meaning us... so how many dances will I do, how many masks will I wear and how many times will I change my costume before this becomes a reality?

But what if we don't get what we deserve!! NOT FAIR!

               We tend to think along the lines that only when we are good is God good. Or that when we are good he will reward us for being good. We condition ourselves to think that way, and also for the opposite,  When we are bad, than God is bad or doing the bad thing to us, or he is going to punish us for being bad.

         However the one absolute truth about God that we fail to grasp with our humanistic mind,  is that he is good all the time, and cannot contradict himself. He is the absolute epitome of good, all his ways are pure. Though we may question what is allowed to happen in our lives to us and we can misconstrue it for evil, often times the bad things that happen to us, or that occur are a result of our own actions or the direct bad choices of others.

     God in his infinite ungraspable wisdom allows the repercussions of those things to shape us, and if we choose to trust him, he can makes something incredible out of any brokenness or hardship that we suffer. If we choose to do things our own way, we can end up in a downward spiral where things eventually get so bad we end up with nothing, flat on our faces.

       These are the times where we are backed into a corner, where we see no way out that the real choice of escape becomes evident. God and God alone can rescue us from our depravity, mess and self-destruction, no matter how many times you get backed into this corner and make your way out, the cycle will never end until your life is given over to God. It is in this moment where we are given a choice as to realizing our absolute nakedness before God, and how much we need him. It is this moment, that God longs to pick you up face from the ground, heal, restore and then exhort. All because he loves you, like a good father loves his child.

      It is true that "good father" falls tragically short of describing who God really is and what he desires for our life, particularly in a day and age when  "good father" is nothing short of difficult to find. None the less, we have a God who is planning for our future, and wants to help.  He is the ideal father. No he doesn't give us what we deserve, thank goodness for that. Instead he gives us what will help us, though it may not look like help all the time. Often in hindsight is when we see how good he is and what he was doing.

"I know the plans I have for you, " Declares the Lord. "Plans to help you not harm you, plans to give you a HOPE and a FUTURE."  Jeremiah 29:11

This is to encourage those who feel entitled to more, to understand that though you may feel you deserve better, God is going to use whatever you are going through to help someone else, particularly if you can drop the entitlement and trust him.

This is to encourage those who feel hopeless, perhaps even abandoned. God did not cause this suffering, even though he may have allowed it. Trust him, and his timing to help you through and know that God does not waste pain.

This is to encourage those who never had a father who could be trusted. Our God is to be trusted, he does not lie, and he does not make a promise he cannot keep. You can trust him, even when things look bleak.

And last of all, with all of this in mind, we must remember that we are not entitled to good things because we do good things. We must also remember too that there are times we are going to screw up and God will cover us and other times he wont. This doesn't mean he is any less good, or loves us any less, it simply means that like any good father there are times we must learn from our trials, and our mistakes. These times will build character, faith and maturity as a believer and also as an adult.

Romans 5:3-6

English Standard Version (ESV)

³ Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, ⁴ and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, ⁵ and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
⁶ For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.

 

In the aftermath of Tragedy

       So many of you have posted your thoughts and concerns on the devastation that has rocked the little city of Newton, showing care and concern outside of your normal functioning life and taking time to pray. There was a unity today that existed between all of us. A unity that surpassed religious backgrounds and ideals, political opinions, and generational gaps. The tragedy that rocked our nation today destroyed the world of more than just the families who lost little ones and other family members, it destroyed the lives of those who lived through it as well.
       We have to stop to think about the real tragedy here.... The real tragedy is that it took so much to get us to stop thinking about our own agendas for a brief moment, and care for more than a moment for a fellow human... a parent, a friend, a brother, a sister. Why friends, does it take so much to get our attention? Why did innocent lives have to be taken in order for us to sit up and take notice that something is truly wrong, and whatever direction we are headed, its the wrong direction?
       Perhaps after every tragedy... Columbine, 9/11 and the countless others we have asked ourselves the same thing, and yet within a day, a week a month, we all go back to the same old thing except for those who lost someone. Except for those who will never get to take that day back and just get back to routine. Except for those whose entire world was changed in the split second that they found out they would never see their loved one alive again, and today that involved mothers and fathers who waited at a fire house to see their babies, only to discover their child was on the list of bodies recovered at the scene.
     When is it enough? What more will it take to get you to care?
     To my Christian friends I say, we are among the worst as we turn our backs and our heads to the devastation being caused time and time again. To them and myself I say, above anyone else we are accountable for the actions we take before these events in how we treat one another, man, woman, child, gay, straight, gun-toting, republican or whatever. WE are accountable to the actions we take after these events as well...the bible tells us that people will know we are Christ's disciples by the love we have for each other, and we are failing in that miserably! Do you think if there was a true Christian in this young mans life who had taken time to get to know him and have a relationship with him that we would still be seeing the outcome of today's events? I don't. But we are all so afraid of stepping outside of our bubble.... we are all so afraid of relationships, and getting hurt, and .... WHAT OTHER EXCUSES DO WE HAVE AS THE CHILDREN OF GOD?
     To my other friends who do not believe in God, these are still your fellow men and women. Are we so wrapped up in our lives we cannot invest in others? What is humanity if we have come down to ignoring of fellow humans? We reduce ourselves to less than animals in the wild, as we build our homes, our packs, and gather our food, and necessities and attack anything that threatens our territory. We will destroy ourselves if we do not take right now, this moment to change what we are doing.
    This doesn't mean taking our anger and grief and putting the blame on guns, religious groups or political groups, it means taking the grief and anger, and for once..... dropping our sense of entitlement, indeed sacrificing our own selfish wants of things that wont last and instead channeling that energy into something productive and positive. How long do we really think we will last, if it's every man for himself? How far do we really think selfishness will get us in these tragedy ridden times that threaten everything we love, including our innocent beautiful children????
     Please if you are reading this.... I AM BEGGING you... one HUMAN being to another... OPEN your EYES and make yourself, if you have to, do something positive for the benefit of one another. We do not have eternity... we dont even know if we have tomorrow......


For those who would like to pick this apart, I do not blame religious groups, the parents, or politics... I blame myself... for not being the difference we so desperately need.... but I will not waste this tragedy.

Please do not waste this tragedy.

For all those lost in Newton, Ct... 12/14/12 ...
 I love you and I will dedicate what time I have left, to impacting our world for the better. All my prayers and thoughts to you as you grieve the extensive losses you have suffered on this day.

Gays, Christians, and all that other Junk.

        Father help me.....
A while back.....I watched a very disturbing episode of Glee, a singing and dancing show in which Christians as usual, are being portrayed as bible thumping, gay hating, judgemental people with no room for any kindness towards gay people.
       There has been a lot of media coverage lately about gay marriage and such, especially with Obama admitting his support for gay marriage. You can't go online, or turn on the T.V without being bombarded by the do or don't battle to legalize it. With that both sides... Christian and non-christian alike have loudly declared their support or non-support of these views. Liberalists, conservative, etc... everyone has their opinion and honestly I am a little tired of it. 
       I consider myself a very conservative Christian, I am careful about what I watch on TV (for the most part.) I only listen to Christian music, (except for when listening to country music strikes my fancy.) I am against gay marriage, abortion, murder, pornography, all the things that conservatives are supposed to be against and everthing I believe that my bible teaches to be against the heart of God.With all that said, I am about to tick off a lot of you. (And maybe in a way different than what you are thinking...dont give up on me yet!)
      When I call myself a Christian, it almost makes me nauseous. If I were to proclaim that to a non-believer I would be very careful, and very scared about what they would think of me. Why? Because Im afraid of being a follower of Christ? No.... Because I am ashamed of what people who call themselves Christians have done to that meaning. Is being a Christian about being judgemental and laying out the law? Is it about telling people what to do, and what not to do? Is it about standing up for our rights and making ourselves known. With all due respect fellow Christians, they already know who we are.
       With all due respect fellow Christians, we dont need to tell gay people that the bible says being gay is wrong... the bible says alot of things are wrong... things that many of you do on a daily basis. Things that I do on a daily basis. Just like we dont need to tell a woman who has had an abortion that she murdered an innocent life... I'm sure she has already heard that, and will continue to hear that. 
        Being a Christian means being Christ-like. No where in the New Testament did Jesus throw scripture in peoples face condemning them at every turn for their every sin, except when it came to pharisees. He called them hypocrites... and over and over in the new Testament Jesus refers to the pharisees as hypocrites. They were religious, judgemental, knew scripture, and more than anything, they knew their laws... sounds like most Christians I know.
     He was actually harder on so called religious people, than he was on actual sinners... remember what he says about the VERY PEOPLE WHO KILLED HIM!!!????  He said "FORGIVE them father, they know not what they do!" OH Father in heaven... FORGIVE US FOR WE KNOW NOT WHAT WE DO!!!!
     Wake up! Dont call yourself a Christian unless you know who Christ was... and Christ was LOVE!!! HE WAS THE MEANING... the DEFINITION... the ACTION... the very idea of what LOVE is. What do you think loving people does? A person who is genuinely loved, cant help but respond to that. LOVE , true, pure, unfiltered, LOVE ... truly can change a person. So stop judging.. stop standing up for "your rights" and start Loving the way Christ did. Then do what else Jesus did... PRAY.... build relationship with your father in heaven(, pray for those who need Christ, instead of telling them how wrong they are... and then lastly but not least... build relationship, with God and with people. ALL people! Why? Because thats what Jesus did!. These 3 things are repeated over and over in the new testament.
       Yes, the very foundations of our country are being shaken, yes .... life as we know it is being altered... and with that is going to come more hurting people than ever, and if you cannot love them the way Jesus does, it will get worse. Everyone knows that things are going to get worse, and it has... we are supposed to be the light when there is nothing but darkness. We have Christ, and they dont.                                                         We need to show that.

Matthew 5:13
[ Salt and Light ] “You are the salt of the earth, but if salt has lost its taste, how shall its saltiness be restored? It is no longer good for anything except to be thrown out and trampled under people's feet.


Matthew 7:1 - 5
   “Judge not, that you be not judged. ² For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. ³ Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? ⁴ Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? ⁵ You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.

Eternity....eternally...

My dearly beloved,

I truthfully know the anguish that plagues your hearts. The emptiness that you try to fill, time and time again. I truthfully know that for the most part you are able to fill that hole in you. You fill it with movies, games, books, new toys, cars, houses families, but no matter what you do........ it always manages to feel empty again. It never manages to stay completely full, and it never brings you complete happiness. You truly want to be happy... you act it, and look it, and to everyone else, you may appear to be truly happy, but only you know that you aren't... not really.

      You have lost sight of whats most important. You give and give love, but you are never able to receive it, you assume in the grand scheme of things that while the message of love is true for everyone else, and you truly love people and God, you dont think it is true for you. You are the exception, and you have know it from the beginning. You are the only one in all of Gods creation that cant be loved.

     Precious,  you have been lied to, for there is not a single thing that God has created that he did not love. There is not a single person that God created that Jesus did not die for. You may know the verses, and you may know that you are fearfully and wonderfully made, but you dont believe it.

Its time to believe it beloved. Its time to believe that you are LOVED so entirely, and that the only son of GOD, DIED for you. ONLY YOU.If you were the only person created, and had sinned and was condemned to an eternity of hell...he would of still died for you. That is how special, precious and important you are to him.

 

 

      There is an ENTIRE enternity that awaits us once we take our final breath. That enternity awaits whether you believe it or not, and you get as many chances as you need to realize that, until you die. Then thats it. For those of us who a...lready know that.... we still have messed up. How can we be comfortable living our lives as is... being comforted by things of this world... when CHRIST is the ONLY thing that matters. Your nice car, good job, pretty things and nice clothes have absolutely NO ETERNAL value.... that is why we need Jesus, discovering who he is and his love for us, drives us to make decisions that will last even after we die. It is part of the reason I preach at you, pray for you and cry out to God for you.... you have to understand that there is more to this life... and every day that goes by is less and less a chance to understand that now while you have time. I love you

 

God truthfully loves you, and you are deserving and worthy of that love.

He wants to spend eternity with you, it was made for you!

Jesus died so that you could live!! Really live! Live in the hope that this life isnt all there is!! Live in the hope that while all others may leave you or forsake you, Christ NEVER will!

 Praying for you without ceasing!

 

your sister in the king,

Angie

Yahweh Shalom-The God of peace and his desire for your life.

First of all read Judges 6, so that you know what context I speak to you from. Gideon was an absolute goob, yet God called him "A mighty man of valor", and he questioned it right off asking God what he was talking about, and God was like "I'm with you, and I want you to save Israel, and your gonna do it by my power. " Gideon, not even knowing it was God talking to him, was like "can I ask you prove it, I need to run a couple tests." I imagine God shaking his head... fine ...fine... fine... do what you gotta do.

I know he was silly right? But isnt that how we are? Do we not hear him and say "God..are you talking to me? You want me to do what?" "But God I.." That , "but God I..." will get us everytime. We have to start being obedient to what God is calling us to do. Is it okay to ask for proof that it is him calling us? Yes, absolutely ask God for confirmation, but do not become a sign seeker, where all you are ever doing is asking God for a sign for this, and a sign for that. You have to get to the point where you trust him and his will for your life.

I know that I know that I know..... you know Jeremiah 29:11 I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord! Plans to prosper you and not harm you! Plans to give you a hope and a future!'
God isnt going to do anything to hurt you! Why would he .. he loves you! And you have to trust in that! And you have to trust in the fact that if he does call you to do something crazy, like sell your possessions, and move somewhere nutso to be a missionary, you wont even miss your stuff! I promise you! And God will totally ROCK your socks off!! He will bless you in ways you cannot even fathom !!!

Yahweh Shalom. The God of peace. Jesus is called the prince of peace which turns God into peace as a father, as a noun. It makes him the fountain, and the source, and the complete place of total and utter peace. However, if you dont "KNOW' him, you will never have that peace. If you dont talk to him, pray to him, read about him... you will never know his peace. It is a peace that surpasses understanding. Its a peace that says in the face of adversary, "God is with me, and I can get through this." Its not a fake smile plastered on your face when you go through tribulation, its a understanding as you go through tribulation, that everything, EVERYTHING works TOGETHER, for the GOOD of those who trust him. Even if you cant say those words during the fire, you will certainly know them to be true.

If you dont have peace, if you find yourself stressed out all the time, than you have not trusted in .. yahweh Shalom. If you are going back and forth... i dont know if I should do this, i dont know if i should do that.. what about this, what about that.... you have not trusted in Yahweh Shalom. If your heart is torn between partying or doing drugs or etc... than you have no idea who Yahweh Shalom is.

Check yourself, because trite as it may be, you may be the only Jesus.. the only SHALOM that people see, and if they know that you are a professing Christian, yet you are constantly stressed out, worried, unsure, lukewarm, etc... what hope is that for them? More importantly what does that say about the God we serve?

Get right, get in your bible, get to KNOW him. knowing who he truly is the only answer to the questions tumbling in your mind, the worries and the sadness, and the uncertainty. Yahweh Shalom is the certainty, he is the joy, the peace the answer to anything you may be dealing with. You have got to fix it!

You have got to change, because you are what is going to change the world. Which is not getting any better, in fact is getting worse as we speak, and all these dumb things we think of as important, phones, cars , houses, are not going to matter a lick... in heaven. We have such a short short time on this earth and we have to make it count for something... do something with your time here, so that you can lead others, or influence others for Jesus. Because when you die, that is the only thing that is going to matter.

If you do not get that through your head, that THINGS dont matter, that only what is done for Christ will have eternal merit, you are going to waste your very short life, and having nothing to show for it. Check your heart, get right, and allow the God of SUPERNATURAL Peace to completely overtake your life and your heart! He will rock you!!!

Love you all.....

The skinny on facebook and fasting DAY 6 :)

So, I have decided that a 40 day fast from facebook is going to be pretty rough. I mean, in my house.... Facebook is like furniture. An old piece of furniture. You know the kind.. you don't really need it, and it doesn't do you any good, but you keep it around anyway. Even if you aren't going to use it. Even if it just takes up space. Then you get kind of attached to it... then you actually begin to use it... often. You use it so often, it now becomes something you keep for "sentimental" reasons. Yah, that's me. Only I have done passed the "sentimental" stage and went into the "addict" stage. I was totally addicted to facebook. It's pretty sad, that an almost *gasp* 30 year old woman could be that addicted to something so ... ridiculous.

What I also realized is how often I post about things that have no meaning or significance. The first day off facebook, all I wanted to do was to go on facebook and talk about how hard it was not being on facebook. I KNOW RIGHT??? So, now going on 6 days off facebook... I have learned an important lesson. My life is not near as interesting as facebook makes me feel it is.

Also, since being off it I have read "The Hunger Games" In one sitting mind you, and I stayed up until 3:30 am. I started writing a children's book which I am very excited about. Everyone in my family got some sort of flu stomach thing and we had a few interesting days that were very colorful. My second semester of school started up, and I am now on chapter 6 of Job. Which has been a tough read... Job makes me question God on a whole other level, and I'm not sure what to do with that yet. Not because of Job himself, but because I can't seem to figure out why God allowed such calamity to befall someone who was devoted to him. That would seem almost "evil" of God. Which I know isn't true. So.... I'm intrigued to read the rest of Job.

Approaching the 6th day, it has gotten easier, but I do still miss reading all the updates. Knowing what my friends are up to. Knowing what is going on, who to pray for, who to celebrate with. When my entire family got sick and I wanted so badly to get on FB and ask everyone to be praying for us. I almost broke my fast for it. But I didn't.

My heater got fixed! Joy ! And it works awesome! Also, the guy who fixed it is a handy man and he does good work, so he might be doing the labor for the upstairs bathroom and flooring. GOOD STUFF!

I have had lots of break downs lately. Hopefully blogging will help. So... until next time.

A heart unsettled....A heart rid of complacency

Chasing after God. Pursuing the heart of God. Desiring to be like God. Passionate.... crazy.....amazing. Hungry...thirsty....craving. A heart unsettled.

I few days ago, I made a decision. A decision to live my life sold out for Christ. As a Christian, I have been following him, and working towards an intimate relationship with him. But being SOLD OUT for Christ, and being a good little Christian are two radically different things. My heart has been unsettled ever since. I can't drink in enough of him. Fighting between tiredness and spending time with my Jesus. Fighting between lifes demands and Jesus. I finally understand the difference between Mary and Martha. I have been a Martha Christian for a long time. But today, I want and long to have Mary's heart.

I want nothing but Jesus.

Today my heart dances for him here.

It is a place I have tasted.

It is a place I have visited,

but not a place I have stayed.

So here I am.. I want to live in this place. Build my house here. Raise my kids here. This place of such utter unsettled desperation for Christ, that my only fear is that it will go away and I will become complacent again.

I NEVER Want to be complacent again! NEVER!

Imagine if we began to live our lives with the kind of fire that resonates in God himself. What happens if we begin to walk in those passionate footsteps everyday?? Gods hand, his HOLY PRESENCE itself, resides in each one of us. Yet we allow ourself to become apathetic. To Doubt. To hate. To be bitter. To be unforgiving.

What happened if you stopped what you were doing, got on your knees and begged God for his passionate spirit, his passionate heart, his desires, his love, and you meant it? How many times have you prayed and not meant it? How many times have you asked for him to change you and not meant it?

What would happen if you meant it? What would happen if you could wake up everyday, and your heart was on fire for him? If all your worries didnt matter anymore.... if what you wanted, and couldnt afford, didnt matter anymore? If the car that always acts up, didnt matter anymore? If the job you hated didnt stress you out anymore?

HE WANTS TO GIVE YOU THAT KIND OF PASSION! NO MORE SHALL HIS PEOPLE LIVE IN FEAR AND ANGUISH AND WORRY! Embrace him... truly. Beg for him. Make it all about him, and you wont have to worry about how you are going to get through the next devotional. you wont have to worry about how you are going to sit through another sermon, another prayer meeting, another... anything.

He will CHANGE YOUR LIFE!

He will ROCK YOUR WORLD!

He will START AN UNQUENCHABLE FIRE IN YOUR HEART!

Do not be afraid.

But the Lord of Hosts, HIM you shall HONOR as HOLY. Let HIM be your fear, let HIM be your dread. Isaiah 8:13

My daughter gave her life to Jesus today!~

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ Sophia and I have been having several long talks about God lately. Tonight after a long talk with her about Jesus/Holy Spirit/God.... my precious little girl made a decision to GIVE HER LIFE TO CHRIST!!!!! We prayed, she prayed, and now she wants to be baptized. My heart utterly WEEPS in JOY tonight!! I have been praying for my baby girl to understand, and to comprehend. THANK YOU FATHER GOD, MY LOVE AND MY LIFE!!!! My eyes have seen the goodness of the Lord!! PRAISE BE TO GOD ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Approaching 30!! AAAAGGGGghhh! Where are the brakes!?

So, yesterday we celebrated Sophia's 9th birthday. I swear she is going to be 13 any day now. With her turning a year older, there are some cold hard facts I have to face.

Ellie bit me yesterday, and I felt a tooth. To my shock, dismay and horror.... her first bottom tooth is coming in, and close behind it... the second bottom tooth. Why is this so bad? Because with teeth come emotional distress!!! She is no longer justifiably, a little baby. She is transitioning into a toddler. I have had a baby for 3 1/2 years now. Zoey... then just as Zoey turned toddler, I found out I was pregnant, and now... that baby is turning toddler. :.( Despite speculation, I have no plans on having another.

This means, A) I'm very close to having 4 older children on my hands. B) 1 out of 4 children hate their parents or have psychological issues. C) I'm 3 1/2 months away from my BIG 30! wahhhhh!!!

I DO NOT WANT TO TURN 30!! I REFUSE!! Not going to happen!

Eliana is a few short months away from her big ONE YEAR OLD birthday. Then Zoey will be THREE. Then Natalie will be 7, and then I have a break until next year... when my oldest will officially be a preteen. I really could dissolve into a hot mess right now, and cry... the big wet cry... with the boogers and the snot and all that, however I am choosing to hold it together until i get my psychology degree and can counsel myself. Good reasoning right?

It is amazing how slow I felt my life had been up to this point, and now... it is speeding by me... and I can't slow it down... I felt that 7 years to get my masters was such a long time, but at the rate Im going... Not so much. Anyway... just wanted to let the world know, my kids are growing very fast and I hate it, and Im going to be 30 and I hate that too.

That is all.

ps. GOD IS GOOD!

A day in the life.

Yesterday*I woke up a hot mess. My hubby and full-time best friend had to return to work which meant that I was going back to the normal business of life. I say normal, because when I get back to school, it's going to be abnormal business. Right now I have managed to juggle a crawler, a toddler, and 2 home schoolers and keeping the house clean. (stifled laughter.)

Stifled laughter because the house is clean, but that is such a general term right now.. with a bathroom, that is not quite finished, a hallway that needs drywall and paint, a bedroom that needs the carpet removed, drywall or ?, paint, etc..., wooden flooring that needs to be sanded and stained, etc... etc... etc.... and that's not even touching the upstairs, I have a new definition for the words "clean house" and its very closely related to "still migraine inducing dirty."

Don't worry this is all going somewhere, I promise. Right... so back to yesterday... as I battled the house and cleaning, Angel calls and tells me he is on his way home. Yae! Relief from running around like a chicken with my head cut off all day. Nope... not so much. Angel comes home and is sick, so besides eating, he immediately passes out on the couch for the rest of tonight. Great for him. Not for me.

Eliana decides to fuss for the rest of the night, Zoey chooses to get into anything and everything and make a mess, as usual... including peeing on the floor in the bathroom, on my just laid, fresh washed carpet. *sigh* back into the laundry it goes. Natalie is especially emotional, and Sophia, well, my laid back princess, is just being her normal awesome self.

"Sophia can you make Ellie a bottle, and change her diaper while I clean up the pee in the bathroom?" "Sure mom" .... best kid ever. I clean the pee, and then take the dog out, because her barks and whines have reached ear piercing level. Its freezing outside, and its dark, so I don't want to go outside, instead, i stand behind the glass door, and look outside irritatingly while I wish I had a fence, and wonder if the dog will ever come back.

The dog comes back, I put her in her crate for the night, Ellie is still fussing and Zoey is thrusting her bottle in my face "boggle? boggle? boggle?" She insists. "yes! " I tell her exasperatedly 5 times. I wish for the 100th time that hubby is feeling better. And feel sad that we wont have our normal cuddle and movie time tonight after the girls go to bed. It sort of makes me feel like a single mom.

After the older two are in bed, I put the younger two down. Ellie into the playpen, And zoey into her bed which lasts all of two seconds. I lay down, but as usual, my mind is going 100 mph. So I know I'm not going to be able to go to sleep for a while. I close my eyes anyway and force myself to stop thinking. Then I feel little knees crawling across my leg, and a little giggle emerges from the dark.

"Hi Zoey baby, come lay down with mommy." She snuggles in next to me and kisses my face. What was I worried about again? We are warm and cozy, and I assume that is that, but then Ellie starts crying for no reason... so i get up, and give her a bottle she doesn't want, which she forcefully pushes away, I give her a binky which she sucks on with great fervor, and then I put on some Trans-Siberian orchestra... her favorite. She is quiet so I rub her head, tuck her in and climb back into bed with my giggling toddler.

I am almost under the covers when Ellie starts in again....and again and again. it's going to be a long night. After 2 hours of up and down with Ellie, in between Zoey's kisses and kicks, I finally decide it's not worth it to be cozy in bed.. so I head off to the couch. Zoey follows me of course, so I put on some veggie tales for her, and we both get cozy on the couch. Its after 1 am. With the house finally quiet (minus the low sound of Veggie-tales... veggie-tales... veggie-tales..... and the low melodic playing of Trans-Siberian orchestra..) I finally give up, turn over and go to sleep.

As I'm falling asleep, I think about how Zoey and Ellie are going to sleep in because they went to bed late, which means I can sleep in, and when I get up, I'm going to be able to get a ton accomplished! Yes! Tomorrow is going to be a good day!

Note to reader.... Tomorrow started at 4:30 am when Angel got up and told me that he felt 100% better! Which I praise God for. So in between homeschooling, and chasing babies, I decided to write this blog. And now tomorrow is yesterday, and I have something else I want to write about... which I will most likely post later today. Or Tomorrow. Ha!

Ps. Its my sweet baby's birthday today. Happy 9th birthday my Sophie angel. I love you so much.

Pps: I found my journal entries from Haiti, and read them aloud to Angel a few days ago... they brought tears to my eyes, and I realize I haven't written on Haiti yet, so I will need to do a blog post in the next few days about that.

*(yesterday is now two days ago.)

End of a not-rocking year!

I am a dreamer... I dream so much, I leave trails of it everywhere for people to see. Which is either charming or disgraceful. I'm not so sure about which. I love to talk, people or a computer... doesn't matter which. I think I'm finding the computer to be more fun to talk to, as it doesn't talk back.

Anyway, onto this year and why it was so not rocking. I realized I will never be a rock star, at least not in public. :) All my dreams and ideas have changed. This is a beautiful thing. It is incredible when you let God come in and change your dreams!

What path am I chasing now? I surprise myself to say, I have it narrowed down to a select beautiful few. I love to do everything, but I realized I can only do so much before the important things start to suffer. I started school this year... which is really ironic considering in high school, I swore to everyone who would listen that I would never go back to school. Once I graduated, I had no plans to do anything else but sing, write and act. Sadly, I realized I am not career good enough at any of those things, and therefore can not put food on the table based on just my good looks.

What did that mean for me? It meant I had to grow up, look at what I truly love, what I am truly passionate about and what I felt God wanted for my life. It also meant I had to learn the difference between godly wisdom and godly opinion. Something I feel that I have pretty well figured out now! :D I had to do this thing called .. maturing.. (GAG) this year.. and a lot of it! And I hated it! I love to have fun, and do fun things, I really love to laugh... especially at other people (J/k) I actually have a good time just laughing at myself. Really...

It also meant trading in my dreams, and hopes and asking God to really show me what I should be pursuing. Which isn't as complicated as I have often made it. I'm a good mom. I'm a better mom that most of the women who have come in and out of my life and asked me to call them mom. I am passionate about God, my husband, my kids, and other peoples kids! That's right.

I love the younger generations. I love their zest and excitedness for life, love and God. I love their strength. Younger generations go through a lot more than we ever had to face. In public schools... different types of drugs, alcoholism, rampant sexual activity, and elevated levels of peer pressure, which include guns at a higher level than ever before, stabbings, etc... all these things coupled with a declining educational system ( based on my experience and a nifty little documentary called "waiting for superman" ) They are having to know and do more with less knowledge.

Our teens are stronger and facing more than we could ever fathom, and who is there to guide them? With leaders in place who are allowing abortion, same sex marriage, and etc... it's safe to say we don't have the adequate resources to guide them to the healing and the help they so often need. This is where my heart it, this is why I felt God was leading me to pursue my degree in psychology. I could of chosen anything really, and with my heart focused on God, I feel that i could make a difference.

However, given my extreme past, which includes sexual, physical, and mental abuse resulting from parents, foster parents, foster siblings, and peers alike; Loss including my father, my grandfather and several friends to disease, illness and suicide, I feel that I am someone who can meet them at their level. I know that God does not waste our pain.

I know that as a tool, I will only be effective in the hands of the right carpenter, and Christ is the best option! So everything I do now, is make myself the best possible tool for him to use. So that when I die, and go to be with him I can say "I used everything you gave me."

A living testimony of the parable of the men who were given "talents" and each chose to use them the best way they saw fit to benefit their master. This is the path I feel God has led me to, and this is how I choose to honor the one who gave me life.

It is freeing that I went from being a free range, do whatever makes me feel fulfilled individual to an individual who has focus and direction. So... to the end of my not Rocking year... bring it on NEW YEAR!

I am excited to know that I am good at being a wife! I am good at being a mom! And I am going to be a well sharpened tool of Christ to help bring youth mental healing and direction! My dreams , my goals, are to allow what God has poured into me to pour out onto others. I will use my pain, heart aches, and etc.. to pour into others.

My only regrets are that I didn't figure it out sooner. So here's to an awesome New Year which is going to rock for so many different reasons! Now to go take down my Christmas decorations! ( Got to stop living in the past... :P ha ha ha ha)